Dear Kathy Griffin;
I would like to entreat you to come to Vermont. I know there’s about as much of a chance of you bringing your act to the Green Mountain State as there is Amy Winehouse winning a best smile competition or Britney Spears living out the end of the year, but I’m going to try to encourage you all the same.
First of all, Vermont is full of gays. They all flocked here after Vermont became the first state in the Union to offer separate but unequal rights to gay couples. Granted, most of the gays here are of the female persuasion and choose to call themselves lesbians, but we’re really splitting hairs here. So we like to nest instead of suck anonymous dick through a hole cut into a piece of plasterboard while filming it with a cell phone camera. We’re all part of the same homo family, right? If you can do a Rosie cruise, you can play Vermont. It’d be nearly the same thing.
Secondly, there are a lot of famous people who live in Vermont like, um, well. Well, there’s Bill McKibben, global climate change guru. Oh, you live in L.A. Never mind. Ok, there’s, eh, the guys from Phish and lot of famous writers make their homes in Vermont. Playwright David Mamet lives here as does cartoonist Alison Bechdel. Alright, Vermont is not exactly teeming with celebrities. No one would mistake it for Little Hollywood. Sure we’ve got world-class ski mountains, but it’s not like Mariah is shifting her fur-covered ass from Aspen to Stowe any time soon. Sure, most Vermonters wouldn’t know Star Jones if she sat on them or Katie Holmes if she beamed them up on the Scientology mothership, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like having a good laugh. This is the land of Homer Simpson after all.
And speaking of doughnuts, that is the third reason to come to Vermont. I’ve got three sweet little words for you: apple cider doughnuts. Now if that isn’t enough to make you piddle a little with excitement, I don’t know what will. How about two more words for you? Tim Horton’s. One of the best things about living in Canada Minor is its proximity to actual Canada, home of the finest doughnut chain in all of Christendom. Nothing beats a Tim Horton’s maple-glazed doughnut. If I could fuck that doughnut without getting all sticky, I would. If they made a maple-glazed dildo, I would use it until it short-circuited. But enough about me. If you came to Vermont, I would ply you with all the doughnuts and male hookers I could find.
There are innumerable reasons to come to Vermont- jewel-toned foliage, charming country villages, Ben & Jerry’s and shit like that. But the main reason is that you’d be the biggest celebrity to set foot in our state since Crystal Gayle played the Champlain Valley Expo in 2004. You’d be an A-Lister in Vermont.
Very truly yours,
Lauren Ober
P.S.- Would it positively influence your decision if I told you I was a fellow firecrotch? You, me and Lindsay, baby- a ruby-pubed triumverate!
