Dear Barack Obama,
Can I call you Barry? I mean, if we’re going to chat like best friends forever about my current state of well-being, we might as well be informal about it. Anyway, I heard you were a huge fan of my blog. Thanks. That’s sweet. I love you back. Since you’re down with Ober and Out, I thought I’d talk to you about the stimulus package, or the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. But again, let’s dispense with formality. Let’s just call it “free money for Lauren.” Since we’re besties, we can do that.
So I hear that you’re giving a lot of money away to people who need it, particularly to people who have “shovel-ready projects.” Ok, how can I get some of that chedda? Because I’ve got a few shovel-ready projects of my own that I’ve been holding off on since the economy’s been in the tank. I’ve even got my own damn shovel. Ok, who am I kidding? I’ve been holding off on them since my own economy has been in the tank, which has been since forever.
I thought since we’re buds and all, we could chat candidly about my economic stimulus needs. How’s about I give you a list of stuff I need and you can just get your people to toss me a little bit of that $800 billion? Great.
1. I need some cashola to save newspapers. They’re rapidly going the way of the dodo and since I work for one, I’d like not to see that happen. Newspapers are good. They tell people stuff, and like, whatever. So let’s get that going. You can start with my newsroom at the Burlington Free Press. We need a handful of editors, some news assistants and a smattering of other people who know how to do stuff. Mmm-K?
2. Let’s get onto what I need now. It’s not much, just…
a. a Herman Miller Aeron chair for my desk at work
b. two tickets to “9 to 5″ on Broadway
e. money so I can go back and see my headshrinker lady
f. a new computer since mine pooped the bed
g. a dogwalker for the Ween
h. more sass (no link available)
i. a pair of high-top sneakers to round out my sneaker collection
j. a sweet Pontiac Vibrator. Oh wait, I already have one. Yes, me!
k. a personal massager (up to interpretation)
l. karate lessons (why not?)
m. my student loans paid off
All of those are shovel-ready and will help stimulate the economy. In fact, if I get a cool new haircut and karate lessons, I’m pretty sure that all the world’s banks will start lending again. I will single-handedly melt the credit freeze just by having my own private island. And of course a staff of 20 to man the estate that I will build on said island. No need to thank me, Barry. I’m here to help.
I’m just saying, if you have money to burn, thanks to the Chinese and the Japanese who now own us, why not toss a little my way? I need to be economically stimulated as much as the next schmo and then some.
Since we’re having this little heart to heart, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. I think you’re doing a great job and all that, but I’m worried for you, in a sartorial sense. Ever since you jumped on the campaign trail, you’ve been wearing nothing but red and blue ties, navy suits and white dress shirts. BO-ring. On your casual days, you lose the jacket and tie, toss on some chinos and you’re good to go. But here’s the deal- you look like a…Republican. The presidential uniform of the last eight years should have been dropped as soon as 43 said sayonara and took off on Marine One on that glorious day in January.What’s wrong with a green tie here or a blue shirt there? How about a little tattersall? Maybe some regimental stripes. Honestly, Barry, you’re a good-looking guy, you’ve got a hot wife with killer arms who’s making herself into quite the fashion muse and you’ve got two little style mavens in the making at home. Why dress like a dowdy “patriot?” If you need an example of a well-dressed politician, see photo below:
Burlington prog city counselor Clarence Davis, straight from the haberdashery.
And honestly, what is with the American flag pins? Are you under some contractual agreement to never be seen without one? Are you in bed with a pin manufacturer? If I become president, am I going to have to wear those reee-donculous pins? If so, I ain’t bein’ president. No thanks.
Sorry we got a little off topic. This was supposed to about my needs and I’ve gone on about you for two paragraphs now. Let’s bring it back to me. In summary, I need some stuff, too. I need a financially solvent industry, a liveable wage, a personal trainer and I need Ben & Jerry’s to make an ice cream that doesn’t make me fat. Can you do all that for me? If not, why did I even bother voting for you?
Yours in need,