Monthly Archives: April 2009

April 24, 2009 · 3:20 pm

Groupies and Gats

Dear bestest buds,

Lots has happened since I last wrote. It was my birthday and my friends had a party and played pin the firecrotch on Lauren. More on that in another post. And because they’re mad crafty, they also made T-shirts in my honor. Also more on that in another post. And I got some prezzies. And I kicked ass at yoga. And I went foraging for ramps with a 10-year-old. And my head popped off. I also went to see Talib Kweli at Higher Ground. That was my birthday prezzie to myself.

idle

This is Talib and me after the show.

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April 20, 2009 · 4:52 pm

Gratitude, and Other Things That Rhyme With Dude

Dear besteez,

I’ve gotta pee. I’ll be right back.

Ok, I’m back. I had two iced teas for lunch and I’ve been sitting at my desk thinking I should go and relieve myself for like an hour. I’m worried that all this pee-holding-in is going to make me an incontinent old person. Keep your fingers crossed that that doesn’t happen. I’m not sure adult diapers will fit in my designer jeans.

Anyway, lots has gone on here in since we last spoke. The Somali pirates decided to give up Capt. Phillips in exchange for a sweet book and movie deal, I got mistaken for a “real person” by someone from the FOX News team and I ate an entire tub of hummus in one sitting. Mostly what has gone on though is that my friends have stopped talking to me because I wrote about my b-hole. I understand that bodily functions are a sensitive topic, but they’re nothing to be embarrassed about. Like the book says, everybody poops. I think that there are way more embarrassing things, like having to tell your spouse you got busted for kiddie porn and you’re gonna be spending the next decade in the klink. Or like admitting to an employer that you once starred on the reality TV show “Temptation Island” and cheated on your sweetie of many years with one of the other contestants just because the producers wanted to “spice things up a bit.” Or like being Lauren Ober. What I’m saying is, don’t judge people for things they can’t control. Like their bowels.

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April 11, 2009 · 5:24 pm

Behold the B-Hole

Dear better than best friends,

Disclaimer: This post most likely constitutes oversharing. Oversharing is the wave of the digital future, if you didn’t know. It’s where ordinary people like me write on the Internet about how they got drunk last night, woke up pregnant and had to get an abortion. Or how they got drunk last night, barfed in a potted plant and slept in the tub for five days straight. Or how they got drunk last night, took pictures of their boobs and sent them to their boss’s nine-year-old son in an e-mailed titled “4 yr eyez only.” Anyway, since this is what all the kids are doing these days, I thought I might as well try my hand at it. If you are squeamish about unmentionable parts of the body, such as the anal sphincter, I suggest you read no further.

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April 9, 2009 · 6:26 pm

North End House of Nuts

Dear friends who may or may not be the best,

First, I’d like to ask the loud mouth with the radio announcer’s voice sitting a few seats away from me to pipe down. I haven’t gotten my noise-cancelling headphones yet (birthday present hint, hint, hint), so I still have to listen to your insufferable gasbagging, which, incidentally, is the only sound that permeates the tunes I’m jamming out to. For the love of all that is awesome is this world, like slip-on shoes, pandora.com, Necco wafers (yes, flipping Necco wafers, son!) and musical theater, put the brakes on your yapper.

Thank you, BF’s for indulging me in a little rant. But how am supposed to churn out hilarity when my thoughts are being drowned out by the extreme verbosity across the room?

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April 6, 2009 · 7:53 pm

Bowling for Baby Obie

Dear BFFs (until someone better comes along),

This past weekend, I went bowling. It’s sort of a little out of character for me to participate in any sport that requires using communal equipment since I’m interested in good hygiene, particularly my own. But when anyone asks me to do something on a Saturday night, I’m more often than not game. Beats sitting in a dark living room on a tapestry couch that smells like wet dog crying my eyeballs out about the fact that I have no friends while the Ween (aforementioned dog) likes the tears from my cheeks. Anyway, so hell yeah I was game for bowling. Plus, I haven’t won at anything in a while and I figured, when I assessed the crew I was going bowling with, that I could surely come home victorious, even if I didn’t stick my fingers in a bowling ball all night long.

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April 4, 2009 · 3:31 pm

X-Rated Twits

Dear Gay Porn Stud,

Thank you so much for following me on Twitter. I am flattered that someone of your great esteem would care what a nobody like me has to say in 140 characters. I have to say, I was somewhat surprised when I got the notification in my inbox- “Gay Porn Stud is now following you on Twitter.” I mean, I’ve never known a gay porn stud before. Especially not one who is the “no.1 Gay Porn Stud!” as you purport to be. I mean, you’ve already been in “several hardcore films so far!” I’ve known some gents who fancy themselves gay porn studs, but I try to tell them just because they wear T-shirts with slogans on them like “Cock Hunter,” doesn’t actually make them studs who are involved in porn. Those just tend to scream gay.  Based on your Web site gay4free.info, it’s pretty clear that you’re making a pretty penny off of your “erotic” “work.” Like only a penny. But it’s pretty and so shiny.

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