X-Rated Twits

Dear Gay Porn Stud,

Thank you so much for following me on Twitter. I am flattered that someone of your great esteem would care what a nobody like me has to say in 140 characters. I have to say, I was somewhat surprised when I got the notification in my inbox- “Gay Porn Stud is now following you on Twitter.” I mean, I’ve never known a gay porn stud before. Especially not one who is the “no.1 Gay Porn Stud!” as you purport to be. I mean, you’ve already been in “several hardcore films so far!” I’ve known some gents who fancy themselves gay porn studs, but I try to tell them just because they wear T-shirts with slogans on them like “Cock Hunter,” doesn’t actually make them studs who are involved in porn. Those just tend to scream gay.  Based on your Web site gay4free.info, it’s pretty clear that you’re making a pretty penny off of your “erotic” “work.” Like only a penny. But it’s pretty and so shiny.

While I’m deeply appreciative of you choosing to follow me, I worry that you will tire of me soon. I mean, I don’t really have anything interesting to say, certainly not in 140 characters. Though I am not yet following you, I’ve been checking in on what you’re up to and I feel that someone with such an interesting life couldn’t possibly care what I’m doing with my days.

For example, on Wednesday apparently you were  “pumping iron” and  working on your “ass, abs and arms,” because you “gotta look good for the biz!” I spent Wednesday combining words to make sentences, flossing my teeth, walking my dog, crying, driving slightly over the speed limit and eating my weight in Easter chocolates. What a bore I am.
A week ago on Twitter, you told your 1,000+ followers (of which I am not one. Did I already mention that?) that you were “up early to do some running!” Then apparently while you were Twittering, you were simultaneously “working on the abs” because you “gotta look good!” So did you have the computer on your lap when you were doing your sit-ups or what? If so, great multitasking. Anyway, I envy you, Gay Porn Stud, I really do. Such dedication to your craft. But I guess when you’re the “no. 1 Gay Porn Stud” you’ve got to keep up appearances.

What do you think it would take to become the “no. 2 Gay Porn Stud?” And do you think that someone like me- a nearly 31-year-old woman with stretchmarks on my ass, feet the size of cruise ships and eyes that are nearly cycloptic- could make it as your numero duo? I promise to work on my abs even as I pop my zits and pumice my feet. I pledge to squeeze my ass ’til you can bounce a quarter, or at least a nickel, off of it. I swear to you, my arms will look slightly less like my grandmother’s by the time I’m finished with them. And let’s not even get into the porn part of this title. I will sex the bejesus out of every person I see. I want this that bad. I’ll keep you updated on my progress via Twitter.

Keep well, friend.

Very truly yours,

Your biggest twit, Lauren Ober

ps- I love your avatar. So classy: