Dear besties,
I’m not even going to try to apologize for my appalling blog behavior. How could I go so long without writing to you, my sweets? It’s unconscionable, unforgivable and other adjectives ending in -able. Mea maxima culpa. I promise this doesn’t mean I love you any less. Well, maybe just a little less since most of you missed the memo about getting me crazy awesomeness for my birthday. Thanks for nothing. But I’m not going to dwell on the past.
Right now I’d like to dwell on the fact that I have to pee in the dark at work. And that’s annoying. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? I work for a corporate monolith that up until very recently, like last week, cared not one whit for the environment or its impact on it. Fine, whatever. I get it. They’re all about making money, not saving the world. That’s someone else’s job. Bill McKibben, are you listening! Al Gore, I’m talking to you! It’s your guysers job to clean up our mess! Now get to it, you lazy buggers.
Anyway, in the last month, my employer has hitched a ride on the green wagon of destiny and has decided that we’re going to be all “eco-friendly.” So, wait, no more cranking the heat while I keep the windows open? No more idling my car in the loading dock for hours? NO MORE LIGHT? Yes, no more light. Now that we’re all forced to participate in the “Ener-G Smart Challenge” upon pain of the rack, I can no longer brazenly poop on the environment. Curses!
This is a picture of corporate America.
I would give you a link to the Ener-G Smart Challenge, but it’s password protected and you’re not awesome enough to have said password. So I’ll just have to relay the gist of the challenge to you. The new “Green at Gannett” initiative encourages people to “turn off lights” and “turn off computers” when they’re not being used so as to prevent the polar bears from drowning in the Arctic Ocean. We’re also being encouraged to “use print preview” to make sure documents are correct before printing them. That will save the Amazon rainforest. Now, if only we could get a recycling box around here for bottles and cans.
Just before they rolled out this challenge, admin folks went through the newsroom and and took an inventory of the overhead lights. They basically wanted to know how many light bulbs they could remove without causing us to go blind with eye strain. I wish I was kidding, but sadly, I am not. They decided that we could live without what amounted to a light bulb each. We have since all turned into moles. But it’s all in the name of preventing the sea level from rising and wiping out half of the Eastern seaboard. I’m sure it has nothing to do with our industrial meltdown and the fact that Gannett lost about 94 bazillion shekels last quarter.
Once they removed the light bulbs overhead, it was time to stop wasting light in the bathrooms. All light in the lavs were outfitted with timers. See photo below:
This is what cheapness looks like.
So now when you enter the loo, all the lights are out until you pass by the motion detector. This is scary to me for a few reasons. One, what if someone is hiding behind the world’s ugliest couch (which, coincidentally, is in my work bathroom), and wants to mug me, or worse, hug me? Also, what if for some reason the motion detector doesn’t sense my presence and I pee my pantaloons because I can’t find the door to the stall? And how am I supposed to make all of my personal phone calls in the dark? All of this is most troubling to me.
Not only is the bathroom antechamber on a motion sensitive light, but half the light bulbs in the actual toilet area have been removed. Thus, we are made to relieve ourselves in the dark. How am I supposed to find the TP? How am I supposed to find the region where the TP is supposed to be used? How can I do up my pants? How am I supposed to do other “lady things” if there are no lights? I just have to shake my head and hold my bladder until lunch. I am not at all happy about this, as is evidenced by this photo of me on the pot. Harumph:
This is what peeing in the dark looks like.
Apparently, if we don’t want to pee in the dark, we just need to go faster, according to the photo below. I don’t know what this sign means, but it rhymes real good, so that’s all that matters, right? Right, assuming you don’t care about grammar or spelling.
This are some real good poem writed by someone at the newspaper.
So what have we learned here, kids? I think the takeaway is that corporate folks should stick to world domination and leave saving the globe to ex-vice presidents and distinguished university professors/Earth’s designated spokesmen/mega-rich book authors.
