Wide Like a Beaver Tail, Thick Like a Steak

Dear best home dawgs,

This past weekend I left the Green Mountain State for a little bit of R&R in New York City. I know what you’re thinking- who goes to New York to get away from things? Clearly only crazy people who like lung-busting pollution, reckless cabbies and swine flu. Yep, that fits me to a tee. Or possibly, to a tea. Anyway, I really went down to the city to visit the GF who had to work there for the weekend. I also went to have a visit with the world’s most scrumptious baby and her somewhat less scrumptious parents. I’d put a picture up of her, but she’s famous and I don’t want to betray her confidence. I swore I’d keep her identity a secret.

Anyway, as soon as I get within 50 miles of the city, I turn on my favorite radio station, Hot 97. It might surprise some of you to know that my favorite radio station is an “urban” station, which is industry code for “black.” But it is a well-known fact that I am black on the inside as evidenced by my sick dance skillz. Anyway, some of you might know Hot 97 as the station where L’il Kim and 50 Cent got into some shootouts. Not with each other, but with “rival rappers.” That’s what I like from my radio station- the hottest jams served with a side of gunplay.

As I was inching along in the George Washington Tunnel on my way to Brooklyn (because I’m hard like that. Ok, Park Slope isn’t that hard, but whatevs.),  I bounced along to Jeremih’s new jam called “I forgot the ‘a’ in Jeremiah.” Actually, the song is was called “Birthday Sex,” which features these inspired lyrics: “Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I/ Don’t need candles and cake/ Just need your body to make…/ Birthday sex…Birthday sex oohoohoohooh/ (it’s the best day of the year girl)/Birthday sex…Birthday sex oohoohoohooh.” Right. So just after “Birthday Sex” ended an advertisement came on that piqued my interest. It went a little something like this:

(Female voice)- “Hey, fellas. You know how people are always trying to tell you that size doesn’t matter? Well, they’re wrong. According to scientific research, women prefer men who are wider and thicker. Women want to be filled up. Women want to be split in two. Women want their uteruses to fall out after intercourse. I know what you’re thinking right now- you’re thinking, ‘But I’m not wide or thick.’ Well, boys, do we have a solution for you. It’s called Prolixus and it’s a revolutionary new scientific formula that will help you get the girth your girl wants.”

This is a picture of bottled girthiness.

No joke, the commercial goes on like that for about a minute. These peen pills have been on the market and have been advertised on the radio for about a year, but they’ve never made their way to our fair state. And if they have, I’m pretty sure Vermont Public Radio wouldn’t play them. Or maybe they might. I can just hear it. “Up next on VPR is Vermont Edition with Jane Lindholm, underwritten by Shelburne Bay Senior Living Community and Prolixus, the penis-widening pills.” But I suppose in these financial end times, media organizations will take any advertising they can get.

This is your life before Prolixus. At least the pillow is thick and wide.

I wonder if these little pills actually work. Naturally, as a crack shoeleather journalist, I’m skeptical about their claims of increased girthiness. How is it possible to take a fella’s wanger and make it wider, while at the same time making it thicker, but not longer? Sadly, there is no explanation for this phenomenon on the Prolixus Web site.  This is the most medicalish explanation I could find on just how the “tissue stimulation” works-  “As the formula consistently increases blood flow capacity it works to widen veins and capillaries allowing for more and more effectiveness.” So it’s like speed for your willy. Hmmm, tell me more. “Let’s put it this way: Can a grown man make his arm longer?  No, of course not.  Even if he has a surgical procedure can his arm become longer?  Still no.  Why?  Because his body has stopped growing and was pre-determined by his DNA genetic makeup to be a certain length.  Period.” Right. Actually, a man can make his arms longer. See Weill Cornell Medical College’s Institute for Limb Lengthening and Reconstruction here.

But wait, there’s more- “You can’t make your penis longer but with proper formulation, technique, and tissue stimulators you can see an increase in the density and circumference of your penis.” So you know what that means? Bust out the protractor and measure that puppy up. “And perhaps most importantly…  It’s the width or thickness of YOUR penis that SHE really cares about, wants, and NEEDS!” When I think of all the straight girls I know, that’s exactly the thing they care most about. They don’t care about whether he’s a decent guy or whether he’s gainfully employed or whether he’s a convicted sex offender. They just care about the man meat. In fact, some ladies I know even carry around a tape measure just to make sure their fella isn’t lying about his member’s heft.

This is your life after Prolixus. Fake boobs and Cirque de Soleil eye makeup not included.

Quick question: if getting “filled up” is so important to women, why isn’t there a vagina shrinker on the market? Maybe the problem isn’t with inadequate men, but with extra-adequate women. I’m just saying…

The moral of this little tale is this: there’s a pill for everything, and for only $76.99 a month, you can be well on your way to fixing your little problem.