Ober and Out

Dear Besties,

If you asked me the question posed in the title of this genius little post, I would answer with a resounding “I’ll take a cafe owner who’s not a total jagoff.” Yes, I would rather have someone who appreciated my business than have a steaming mug of tea or a hot cup of coffee. Well, I would pretty much take anything over a hot cup of coffee. I have enough natural energy- I don’t need any caffeine-enhanced energy. Anyway, I’m getting a little off the topic. What else is new?

So what was I writing? Who knows? Most of you have stopped reading by now. Right- I’d like to sit and drink my overpriced hot drink in peace without some power-tripping owner giving me what-for. Perhaps I should explain myself. And for those of who have forgotten the meaning of the Pittsburghese term “jagoff,” allow me to jog your memory.

This is what a jagoff looks like.

Anyway, here’s that you’ve all been waiting so patiently for. Or if you want to get grammatically correct about things, for which you have all been waiting. Whatever. Last week, I was sitting in a downtown cafe- I’ll call it Murky Aguas- waiting for an interview subject to show up. I often conduct my interviews from the confines of Burlington’s little hippie coffee shop that could. I like how the orange light bulbs have a minimizing effect on my nose. So do my interviewees.

Now normally, I don’t grab a seat until I’ve made a purchase. I used to be a table poacher until I met Pigpen, who has since taught me about table karma. If I sit at a table before I’ve bought something, it’s bad juju. And Jesus knows I don’t need any more of that in my life. But on this particular day, I had to make an exception. I grabbed a table first and waited for my subject before I bought a drink. I thought it was only polite that I wait for her. I’m thoughtful like that. My mother would say otherwise.

I plopped myself at a gigantic round table and read the paper as I waited. To my left was a table of medical students studying so they won’t kill people in the future. About six of them huddled around two tables that they had pushed together, their textbooks splayed all over the place. Their were talking about weird stuff like blood in your pee, so I tried to tune them out. As I waited, Murky Aguas got quite crowded. A spazzy-looking woman came over to my table, teapot in hand and asked if she could sit with me. “Ooohh, sorry,” I said. “I’m waiting for somebody.” Then she spazzed out.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” she said, clearly getting agro. “I already bought this tea and I can’t find a place to sit. Now I’m going to have to throw it away.” Whoa, lady. Calm down. Everything’s going to be ok. I’m sure if she had just waited for more than like two seconds, a spot would have opened up. But instead, she slammed her mug and teapot into the bus tub and stormed out. On the way out, she ran into the owner of Murky’s and I’m sure gave him a piece of her mind.

As the owner walked by the table of studying med students, he asked them to give up one of their tables so that other people would have a place to sit. Well, what’s the sense in that if there are no chairs? Perhaps people can sit atop the tables. Anyway, the med students grudgingly separated their tables and heaped all of their books and papers on one table. Great, now my life will be compromised because these newbie doctors weren’t able to study effectively. Thanks heaps!

After he upbraided the med students, the owner came over to me. He leaned in and said:

“If you see that other people are waiting for a table and you’re by yourself, maybe you should move to a smaller table to let other people sit down.”

Wait, what? Let me get this right. You’re telling me I should sit at smaller table. Even though when I came in, there weren’t any. So if I’m by myself, according to the owner’s pretzel logic, I should only sit at the counter, so as not to take up valuable space for people who have friends. I quickly reminded him that I was waiting for someone and that he could piss off since I frequent his business on a regular basis.

Finally, the woman I was waiting for arrived. I was all fired up, ready to bust some skulls over this situation, which is not a good way to start an interview about window-washing. I realize that the owner’s offense was minor on the grand scale of jagoffery. But it was still annoying. And you know what else is annoying? The fact that pristine little Murky’s won’t sully their legit coffee house rep by adding wireless Internet. Ugh. It’s all enough to make me brew my own damn tea.