Ober and Out

Dear besties,

Last week, I wrote a blog post for my new employer about a wee hobbit visiting our humble shire. I had gone for my usual three-hour lunch at my favorite Burlington eatery where I discovered that I had only just missed one Elijah Wood who was lunching at my lunch spot. Well, of course I did what any shoeleather journo would do- I got myself laid off and used my severance money to binge on alcohol and hookers. No, actually, I went straight back to my office and like the good little typist I am, wrote up my sixth-hand account of Wood’s visit to our little city.

This is what scandal looks like.

You can read the post here. Don’t worry, it’s not epic. And it’s not meant to be read by sticks in the mud or humorless gray people.

Of course, like all my writing, I figured the post would be read by three, four people tops. Most of those people would have the last name of Ober. But as it turns out, more like six or seven people read it and half of them hated it. And not only did they hate it, but it made them barf. They felt compelled to tell the world, or at least those people who read the Seven Days blog, just how much they despised my scribblings. Some people commented more than once. Like they visited the site two or more times. Like they live in their parent’s basement and eat Count Chocula in their underwear while listening to Jethro Tull’s Aqualung.

One of the folks I work with- I’ll call her the Nerd Saber – said that this is what we want. The Nerd Saber said that people like to feel like they’re participating in some sort of convo, which is why they visit the post multiple times. Funny, because when I converse with people, I generally don’t tell them that they’re obnoxious over and over again. But that’s just me. Whatever. That’s cool. I know you can have pretty big marbles when you’re posting on a Web site. And generally when I converse with people, it’s face to face and I use my mouth, not my keyboard. But different strokes and all that crap.

To give you a taste of what we’re up against (and by we, I mean me), here are a few choice comments. Now keep in mind, I was writing about a movie star who played a fantasy character in a series of major money-making, high-budget flicks who happened to be lunching at my local joint. I was not writing about my feelings on keeping exotic animals as pets or my views on cloth vs. plastic diapers or any other such inflammatory topic.

And I quote:

“Jesus Christ. You’re just obnoxious.”

“Elijah Wood is a nice guy, and it is obnoxious to continually refer to him as a character he played in a movie.”

“A famous person in town is notable, but we should be respectful about how we note it, and try to make all visitors feel welcome and comfortable.”

(Those were all by the same person. In three different posts. Bless.)

“How can you even begin to defend this? I know he’ll never read it (and probably wouldn’t care), but to me it’s clearly petty, lame, and disrespectful. Are you seriously trying to make my friend hate Vermont and never come back? What you wrote and then printed in your paper was just plain obnoxious.”

“Actually, I don’t know how he feels about being called Frodo, because I’m not the kind of asshole that would ever call him that. I personally think it’s lame.”

(These two came from an FoEW- “Friend of Elijah Wood.” The same friend who pimped out his buddy to a creepy fan site called “Always and Forever- Elijah Wood.” Whatevs.)

“For another, it is really rude to intentionally refer to someone as a character they portrayed years ago. Would you refer to Govenor (sic) Schwarzenegger as “Conan The Barbarian” or Jim Carrey as “Fire Marshall Bill”?… This wasn’t even a fluff piece, you simply wrote down gossip you heard as though you were in High School (sic).”

That last one is my fave. Actually, former steroid abuser and serial sexual harasser Arnie refers to himself as the Governator, which if my pea-brain is working right, is a riff off of his most famous role as the Terminator. It’s basically what got him elected. But no matter.

I suppose in a way, all this comment volleying is a good thing. It means that people are reading my junky little posts and that’s good, cuz momma’s hungry and she needs to eat.