Dear best friends forever,
I know I’m a bit of a johnny-come-lately to this whole Vermont Country Store sells dildos drama, but I was on furlough which means that I was contractually obligated not to do any work for a week. For me, this meant not paying attention to the news, or really anything for that matter, like my increasing girth or that weird red hair growing out of my neck. So as a result of my work embargo, I didn’t realize that a scandal was abrewing just south of us in Weston, Vt., home of the precious Vermont Country Store.
Oooh, look at all the soaps.
If you’re one of the small percentage of people who does not find the local TV news riveting and essential (smirk!), then you may have missed the story. Apparently, the Vermont Country Store, an institution of Yankee thriftiness and marketing geniuosity, has started selling sex toys. We’re not talking about ben-wa balls or nipple clamps or anything exotic. We’re talking about vanilla vibrators, or “intimate massagers” as they’re called on the Vermont Country Store Web site.
So apparently people have their granny-size panties in a twist about these new items at the VCS. As the local TV news reported, the “adult” products are located “not far” from the stuffed animals and games. How far is not far? Three feet, 300 feet? That’s some brilliant reportage right there. Anyway, people are angry as heck about this and they’re not going to take it. They’re going to boycott the VCS. Guess that means they’re going to have to get their lollipop unmentionables, their corduroy jumpers and their ankle-length muumuus somewhere else. Pity.
Personally, I think the VCS stocking sex toys is the most brilliant idea ever. We’ve all got bits and most of us like to use them occasionally. Why not make it easy for people to use their bits? Lyman Orton, the proprietor of the VCS, stands behind his decision to carry vibrators and g spot enlarging gel and and weird hair dye to help you “say goodbye to gray in your most private of areas.” Ok, who knew that was something I had to worry about in the future?
Anyway, here’s what Lyman Orton had to say about the “Intimate Solutions” situation:
(Ok, tell me that doesn’t look like Dr. Ruth and Bill Clinton are shacking up in that picture.)
They’re not messing around at the Vermont Country Store. They’re not offering some cheap Taiwanese knock-offs- they’re offering the real sex toy deal. They’ve got a Hitachi Wonder Wand and a Vibratex Rabbit, both at a major discount from larger adult toy purveyors, not that I’d know who those are. According to an inside source at VCS, business is brisk with the “intimate solutions.” Folks are ordering them the way high school boys would buy condoms at the pharmacy- they order a few jars of strawberry rhubarb jam, a pair of rag wool slipper socks, some rooster salt and pepper shakers, a wool beret and a chambray smock, oh and a, um, uh, #51438. They’ve dropped $300 on stuff they’re never going to use when all they really wanted was the Laya German personal massager.
Why I didn’t think of this before is beyond me- an adult toy store for seniors. And by adult toys I don’t mean snowmobiles or motorboats. As the baby boomers lose their teeth and become incontinent, they might not be able to find anyone who wants to make out with them. So they need a little help in that department. That’s where Lusty Lauren’s Lair of Lasciviousness would come in. If the Vermont Country Store can do it, then so can I.